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X-Lads
Intro
Set in the near-future of the early 2000’s after an evolutionary leap has taken place for some of humanity. People with extraordinary powers threaten the security of the global banking cartel. Some have formidable abilities to invade and dominate a person’s mind, others have the ability to, like, make it cloudy for a bit.
Are they all dangerous? Yes and should be exterminated immediately. Will that happen? I mean, probably not, but they might need to sign a register or something.
Watch the genocide unfold in X-Men Persons DEI hires Men again.
When I started typing a bunch of words about this film from a quarter of a century ago I was reminded that I have already written a review of X2 on an old, long-dead, Geocities site.
It must have been from about 2003, and the quality of the review was likely the same as they are now1. In fact one of the few memories I have of it is giving away massive spoilers and being dumb enough to leave a comments section open (because in 2003 who didn’t want randos to comment on their work?) where I had my school friends talk trash over it.
Ah well, not that I’m bitter about the past or anything, I loved producing creative content for others to tear down.
The film opens with a charming shot of a Nazi concentration camp. This is our cue as viewers to identify who is good and who is bad, and to elicit sympathy towards the good guys.
I would go as far as to say that this is actually the best scene in the entire film. It helps show Magneto (for it is he) using his powers to try to stay with his mother as they are separated in the camp. The whole Jew/Nazi Mutant/Normie is basically how Magneto chooses to frame his world-view.
Love those work-camp scenes. Good short-cut for lazy writers. I feel all holocaustic now.
There isn’t anything inherently wrong with doing the “Holocaust Bad” trope, but as I am writing this in 2025 I am finding being slapped around the face with Nazism tiring2.
The next scene is Rogue and her boyfriend apparently having their first ever physical contact.
Did you just say you're into ... board games?
Stop talking about deck-building!
Time for Rogue to run away and find a man with more mainstream interests.
A man who is probably not into tabletop gaming
Next is a scene where Jean Grey is speaking up at some kind of congressional debate against the Mutant Registration Act that Senator Kelly is pushing for. All the mutants must immediately reveal themselves once the bill is passed or … something bad will happen to them?
Anyway, this is how we know that Senator Kelly is the Bad Guy as he’s doing what NAZI’S DO!, which is to push through legislature via the democratic process. Magneto and Professor Xavier are in attendance and are not down with this bullshit.
We then cut to some skanky old town that isn’t quite what Rogue thought it would be, after hitch-hiking her way there, and presumably leaving a trail of dead truck-drivers in her wake.
She goes to the most violent place she could find and orders a water to blend in.
We see Wolverine scamming people out of their cash by pretending he’s just a normal dude so everyone bets against him in the cage fight, then goes all Super Mutant Regeneration and Adamantium Armour on them.
What a shady character.
A man with a legitimate grievance
“So I think that pretending you’re a normal guy while secretly being a supermutant with regenerative powers and literal adamantium armour grafted over your actual skeleton gives you an unfair advantage and does not vibe with the spirit of this whole unlicenced underground-cage-fight-routine we’re running here. I want my five dollars back.”
“You call that a knoife?”
Wolverine decides that, rather than killing everyone, he’d be better off just leaving.
We then get the scenes of Rogue hiding in the trailer under some kind of blanket, Wolverine throwing her out on the road, then having an immediate change of heart, and her getting in the front with him instead of the trailer, where she proceeds to stuff jerky into her face.
Get back in the trailer
Wolverine and Rogue start their “getting to know you” phases, before ploughing into a tree at 25mph.
X-Men physics
Wolverine, the guy with a metal skeleton, is launched through the windscreen and then for a further 150 feet face-down in the snow due to the massive impact.
After a short fight with Sabretooth, Storm and Cyclops appear and save both Rogue and Wolverine from being blown up in a huge fireball caused by the small motorhome.
Have you guys just been standing there the whole time?
Then we are at the X-Mansion where Wolverine is being patched up by Jean Grey. As he is a huge needle-phobe he flips out and puts her in choke-hold, then runs off.
Eventually, after some mind-fondling by Professor Xavier3, Wolverine is directed to the professor’s office where Wolverine is tantilised by the prospect of more information on why he is Canadian.
Patrick Stewart reading his script for the explanation
Wolverine stupidly asked Professor X what the school is all about, and the professor is all too happy to oblige4. Hope you like massive amounts of exposition.
Next we’re flying over the ocean in a helicopter with Senator Kelly and Some-Guy™, while the senator is explaining via a stilted dialog exactly why mutants are dangerous and how he would lock them all up, as they are dangerous.
But then Some-Guy™ turns into Mystique and batters him into submission, proving his point.
This must be where Quentin Tarantino got to direct the scene as there is a lot of foot-focus going on here. Bryan Singer is also a weird guy, but I think he’s more into raping underage boys than feet.
Let's focus on these feet for some reason
Wouldn’t it make more sense for the camera to start at the feet and pan upwards, holding on the shot of Mystique’s face?
Sweaty blue feet, nice
Magneto turns Senator Kelly into a mutant via his weird machine that does something akin to giving normies mutant abilities, but also drains Magneto of his own power, I think.
Me when it's time for my corporate photo to be taken
My mutant power is to be a disgusting jelly man. Great.
Wolverine is sick of being woken up in the middle of the night and so stabs Rogue.
Oops
Then we get a train station fight scene where nothing really happens and no one seems too bothered. Cyclops just seems to wear sunglasses to keep his death ray beam in check, rather than something that might wrap around the head so it isn’t easily knocked off.
Magento tears the back of one of the carriages off and does a cool little float down. Wonder how many times he had to do that until he found the right carriage?
Professor X again shows why mutants are dangerous as he literally possesses people.
Senator Kelly makes his way to X-Mansion and then turns into a big puddle and dies. Worst mutant power ever.
Storm's other mutant power: running away very fast
Literally everyone immediately after watching this
And the Bad Guys’ plans are thwarted, thanks to the natural human ability to look at things.
Yeah think I’ll leave it here.
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15th February 2025
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My awful writing is how you know this site is not AI generated ↩︎
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Some might even say constantly calling everyone a Nazi has allowed a real Nazi-influence to spread ↩︎
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Sounds like the professors needs a refresher on the concept of consent ↩︎
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Like all university professors, he loves the sound of his own voice ↩︎
